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According to one practioner EFT promises to bring healing in the realms of:

Physical pain*               Fears and phobias*                  Athletic performance*

Headaches*                 Claustrophobia*                       Getting unstuck*

Diabetes                       Cancer                                     Concentration*

Anxiety and panic*       Agoraphobia*                          Optimism*

Fear of flying*              Trauma*                                   Intimate relationships*

PTSD*                         Self-confidence*                       Relaxation*

Fear of needles*           Adult Child issues*                   Mental clarity*

Physical effects of emotional issues*                              Depression*

Blood pressure           Anger*                                     Confidence in public*

Asthma*                       Fibromyalgia*                           Social confidence*

Addictions*                  Degenerative diseases*      Negative life history*

MS*                            Fear of water*                          Weight control*

(the asterisk indicates issues and situations where s/he claims to have had success in applying EFT as a therapist)

Now on the surface it looks like this could be just another quick-fix fad that some gullible people have bought into. Yet if you look at who is doing it (here’s one site’s practitioner’s list) and who appears to be endorsing it we notice a lot of interest in this technique. When your supporters include  Deepak Chopra, Candace Pert, Bruce Lipton and Donna Eden, all best selling authors and well-known in the field of energy psychology, it behooves us to take a look at what is going on here.

One of the apparent and dramatic successes that this technique claims to facilitate is in the area of phobias. Typically someone with an intense fear of water will be invited to tap the meridians in sequence whist repeating: “Even though I have this part that is afraid of water I deeply and completely love myself.” As they repeat the sequence and affirmation they can gradual tolerate greater proximity to water; possibly to the extent of being immersed in a pool within a short period of time.

When using this technique you can pretty much substitute any condition for “fear of water”. Hence the long list above (“even though I have this part that eats too much…”, “even though I have this part that lacks confidence…”). What accounts for this techniques apparent success and large following?

When we look at this technique through an IFS lens I think we can gain some insight into what is going on in the system. EFT is a technique that appeals very much to the manager parts of the protective system. Remember: the manager parts want to control everything so that you will never experience anything hurtful again. They want to ensure that you both are and are seen to be a nice person. They blame vulnerable parts for being too needy or demanding. They are often horrified by the reactive firefighter protectors that do bad things like drinking or gambling, sex bingeing or losing their temper. It is very hard for a manger part to be able to do its job to perfection (otherwise why do it?) when those pesky exiled parts insisted on getting triggered and those awful firefighters take over to distract from the exiles.

“But wait!” Says the manager part, “Here’s a technique that can help me be rid of those others for ever!” And so our manger parts embrace EFT like the proverbial duck in the pond. Just like a kid with a great new toy the manager taps away; and boy does s/he have a list! The fat/thin part can go, the shy/overbearing one can get tapped away too. That drinking part that refuses the label of alcoholic? A few taps and it’s gone. And… well you get the picture.

Now clearly in order to be using EFT one must have an understanding of the multiplicity of the personality system. But I suspect that the folks using this may not know how it is organised; nor that they are operating from a blended manager part when using this technique. Here’s the clue. Look at the language: “Even though I have this part…” It sounds to me like a shameful confession, or like a 14 year old boy going off to do something cool with his friends dragging his embarrassing 7 year old brother with him. Later “I deeply and completely love myself.” Sounds like self-love but not quite… because of that irritating part that basically gets in the way of unconditional love. The subtext here is really, “If it wasn’t for that other part I’d be lovable.”

I suspect that what is going on when someone uses this technique is that they are temporarily strengthening the manager part and helping it to exile or further exile other parts. This can only ever work for a short period of time since exiles will get our attention (they are motivated to return to the system) and firefighters will respond to their activation. When that happens the manager parts face the misery of believing they are failures, or of having to redouble their efforts (advanced techniques include: “Even though I still have some of this part…”)

From an IFS perspective we can relieve the manager parts of some of their burden. When we acknowledge how hard they work to make us look good, and how difficult it is for them to be vigilant and in control all of the time, they will feel appreciated and respected. They may accept our sincere offer to help them out if they will allow us access to the exiled parts. They may even allow us to become curious about the firefighter parts. Instead of our managers trying to eliminate what they see as the troublesome parts in our system, we can then bring our compassion to the parts seen as somehow unwelcome, let them know we welcome them, and help them to be relieved of whatever thoughts and feelings are burdensome for them. EFT – some parts are welcome; IFS – ALL parts are welcome.

Van Gogh's "Sorrow"

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In this world of the finite we attach. We attach to our mothers, our fathers, to our identity, our partners, to our ideas of ourselves, our health, our children, our assumptions… we live in a world defined by our attachments. And in this finite world of change we lose much of that to which we are attached. Our personality systems mount a response to loss and the process we go through as a result of these lost attachments we call grieving. These words sound very simple yet describe a process at times overwhelming, bewildering, isolating and so painful it can sometimes feel that to continue living is a questionable choice.

What can the IFS model offer by way of comfort? How can it illuminate the grief response? In order to answer this question I think it will be helpful to first consider the strengths and limitations of current approaches. For readers wishing to bypass this review, please scroll down to “Compassion heals.”

The traditional monolithic view of the personality has informed the development of grief theory.  For a comprehensive overview of the field I recommend this article  from the Journal of Mental Health Counseling,  ”Connections between counseling theories and current theories of grief and mourning“.

There is a distinction often made in the field of Thanatology between grieving a loss and mourning a loss. Grieving is considered to be the involuntary passive reaction; mourning the active process of coping. I consider both terms to be referring to different parts, or clusters of parts involved in the process so will use the terms somewhat interchangeably. Although many parts of our systems that are involved in responding to loss will become activated as a result of any significant loss, I am focusing this discussion on death-related losses and bereavement.

Stage and Phase theories of Grief

Many counsellors and therapists use the stage and phase theories of grief. Whilst often providing comfort and a “roadmap” for some people and “making sense” of the bewilderment common in bereavement; for others these stages and phases become expectations about how one “should” grieve and can activate anxious parts concerned with “getting it right”. Where I think these descriptive theories are extremely helpful is in identifying the cluster of parts connected to the loss response. Parkes described numbness, yearning, searching, disorganization, despair and reorganization which we may, through the IFS lens, identify as parts commonly activated in response to loss. This list is neither intended to be prescriptive nor exhaustive, but can guide our enquiry of the parts involved.

Crisis of Meaning

Loss also invites questions of meaning for some parts. If I lose my license to drive what does that mean for my parts connected to driving? How will I need to engage differently with the world? These questions occur as a loss is experienced within the relative stability of the rest of the personality system as well as external systems. But a more a significant loss (bereavement) affects so many parts at once that the distress and bewilderment is experienced throughout the system as many parts may need to redefine their role. For example, if my child dies do I still have a parenting part? So much of the internal and external systems shift simultaneously that there may be a crisis of meaning experienced within the system. Our assistance here is to hold as much Self energy as we can to bear witness to the distressed parts; thereby inviting the client to do the same and discover their internal resources. If the client is able to simply acknowledge the bewildered parts it may be possible for those parts to withdraw some of their energy allowing protective parts to engage in the day-to-day functioning “as if” there was some meaning in it.

Limits of the Client-Centered approach

What informs much grief counselling from the viewpoint of the monolithic model of the personality is an approach that invites the counsellor/therapist to act as a proxy for the client’s Self (offering the unconditional positive regard so valued by those trained in the  Rogerian method). In light of the counsellor’s compassion the client’s parts will blend and then vent the affect/beliefs that they are holding. The client’s system may experience distress and/or relief from this expression, yet from an IFS perspective the parts have not been witnessed by the client’s Self, nor have they been unburdened as this is not attended to within the Rogerian framework. The next time they are triggered, when the next wave of grief hits, they will likely blend and flood again. While it is true that parts need to have their feelings witnessed, it is not a sufficient condition, as Rando notes, to be able to work through the loss. Counsellors and therapists need to be able to facilitate a bereaved client’s journey through the loss process, and that goal is best served by being a “parts detector”. Through the IFS lens the apparent linearity of Worden’s model of tasks and Rando’s “6 ‘R’ Processes” may be revisited and considered to be aspects of grief (parts) that can and do exist at the same time.

The Dual-Process model

The dual process model (DPM) of coping with bereavement  (DPM) identifies (from an IFS perspective) two clusters of parts: one cluster is oriented towards the loss; the other towards restoration (dealing with the new complexities in life for the bereaved that are occasioned by the loss). Stroebe and Schut contend that these two models (clusters) oscillate as the mourning proceeds. This oscillation is very familiar to the IFS therapist as affect-laden parts may occupy the attention of the client, then pragmatic protectors may hold the floor to afford a break from the intensity of the other parts. It is this dance of self-regulation that allows the bereaved to avoid psychic numbing on the one hand and emotional flooding on the other.

Grief and Gender

It bears mentioning here that some proponents of the DPM see these clusters as gendered: that men’s grief will be more restoration focused; women’s loss-orientated. Similarly the term “instrumental grief” has been applied as a descriptor of men’s grief responses (“intuitive” for women). Aside from the heterosexist and monogenderist bias exhibited here the normalising of grief responses attributed to the presenting gender naively assumes that there is an essentialist “natural” difference in grieving. What is more likely happening here is that women are socialized to have readier access to loss-oriented responses, with the restoration-focused cluster being exiled. The reverse is likely true for men. Loss responses in relation to gender may also be culturally and generationally informed. To assume that men don’t have or have access to affect-laden parts that respond to loss is to do men a disservice. To assume women don’t have or have access to parts capable of restoration is similarly damaging in a therapeutic context . Both clusters will present themselves and it behoves the IFS therapist to be curious about the process whereby a cluster may have been exiled.

Limitations of the Interpersonal approach

For therapists/counsellors trained in the interpersonal process approach this will seem like a radical reorienting of their understanding of the healing process. Yet the interpersonal process, which “is built upon a base of three traditions: interpersonal theory (Sullivan, 1968), object relations (Kernberg, 1968), and family systems (Goldenberg & Goldenberg, 1996)” (Connections… ) and assumes that the relationship with the therapist can facilitate repair and greater flexibility in other relationships, does not access the exiled parts that may be informing disordered or ambivalent attachment styles. As I argue in “Counting our Losses” (Harris – Ed. 2010), object relations theory may be seen as referring to the internalization of relationships: multiple subjects engaging with multiple objects. Attachment disordered relationships – and the parts engaged in them – can remain exiled while other parts engage with the therapist; and this can look like attachment repair. When we pay attention to the rupture that inevitably occurs in the therapeutic relationship, we can begin to access the deeper exiles connected to attachment. Once the Self-led therapist takes responsibility for their own blended part that contributed to the break in the alliance, the client’s protective system may relax and allow access to the triggered exiled part.

Compassion Heals: An IFS perspective on Bereavement

1. Compassion heals. Bringing compassion to another invites their compassion for their own parts
2. The more significant the loss, the more profound the disruption to the system
3. The system responses to the loss may be manager led, firefighter driven or characterized by erupting exiles
4. The protective system may be in disarray and unable to function normally; resulting in the client feeling particularly vulnerable
5. The protective system may become entrenched because of the perceived threat from or to the exiles
6. Present loss experiences trigger parts connected to former loss events seeking healing
7. Unburdening parts in the loss cluster will facilitate healing and greater resiliency in terms of subsequent losses

Some guiding principles in working with the bereaved from an IFS perspective

While acknowledging the needs of the cluster of parts oriented towards restoration I am focusing the following on the cluster of parts responding to the loss.

1.         Do your best to be aware of your own “blindspots” (your own parts connected to grief) William Worden’s  Loss History can be a helpful tool in accessing them. As you work your way through the questions you will become aware of different parts of your system connected to loss events in your life.

2.         If the client’s grief is fresh and feels raw then s/he will be presenting as blended parts. Work with direct access until there is less agitation presenting in the system, i.e. bring curiosity and compassion to the blended part as you hold the Self energy not available to the client.

3.         Be aware of the “Loss cluster” generally evoked in bereavement. These are parts that hold:

• disbelief
• numbness
• depression
• sadness
• missing/yearning
• protest (anger)
• guilt
• powerlessness/despair/resignation

3.a.i Common Managers

Disbelief.

The parts that initially present after a significant loss are disbelieving and numbing protectors. If you think back to a time when you lost your car keys or misplaced your car you will probably remember a part telling you, “This can’t have happened, I can’t have lost my keys/car.” The same disbelieving protector gets activated with significant loss.
This is why a recently bereaved spouse or partner, for example, is often able to function well at the funeral, deliver a eulogy, etc. The protective system is facilitating what passes for “normal” functioning and folkloric wisdom tells us it “hasn’t hit them yet”. It seems to me that as these protectors are taking the lead as the other parts of the system impacted by the loss are afforded time to adjust to the new reality. It is as if the sad, yearning, guilty and protesting parts sit behind the protectors that allow the information to be gradually filtered to them.

Numbing

This protector has to work very hard in the face of significant loss to prevent the system from being overwhelmed by parts holding the feelings. It can hold the reins for a long time; but bursts of feeling tend to erupt through it/past it and are often experienced as waves of feeling coming from the exile.

Depression

When this protective part shows up a helpful question to ask it is, “What part, or who are you depressing?” This part also works very hard as a response to loss to keep other (exiled) parts from coming into consciousness.

3.a.ii Working with the Manager Protectors

As always take the time to acknowledge and appreciate the work that these protectors are doing.  Be aware that they may be responding to a loss event from the past so may need to be updated about who you are and what year it is (if they think you are 10 years old they will not be inclined to relax their protective stance).

Ask them about their concerns re: you accessing the parts they are connected to. Commonly these will include fear of overwhelm. Ask what might help with overwhelm: does the system need time? Would the managers be willing to work with you as the exiles present their information to you? If so they may agree to come in and block the exile after some information has been released and then integrated into the system; essentially acting as a valve or filter. This may then give other parts a chance to accommodate to what is being released into the system. You may also ask manager parts to assess how much Self energy you are bringing to your enquiry; and if there is the requisite “critical mass” to proceed. If not then you probably have a part blending with you that has an agenda with regard to the exiles other than simple connection and witnessing. Lastly you may ask the manager how it would be if the exiled part(s) contracted with the client to not overwhelm the system. If the exiled part recognises that it is not in its best interest to overwhelm the system (because it will simply activate protectors that won’t allow it to be heard) then it is able to agree to moderate its presentation.

3.b.i. Common Exiles

Sadness

When I am talking about exiles here I am not assuming that there is a part that is “only” sad or guilty etc, but that the part leads with that feeling. Current losses, as stated earlier, will evoke former loss experiences and parts that present with sadness are often burdened with holding the weight of unresolved events from childhood. Children’s grief is often not well supported (if you took the “Loss History” questionnaire you probably have a sense of your own) and the experience of sad parts in the loss cluster can be exiled. As parent’s dismiss or minimise the experience of losing a pet, or moving house, or changing school, divorce etc, parts that experience the distress become exiled as protectors mimic the parental injunctions to ignore the agitation in the system.
The part burdened with sadness from earlier losses will become activated by the disruption occasioned by the present loss and will seek attention – with all the intensity that children or child parts open to in their distress. Following the manager’s concern about overwhelm it is important to inform  the sad part know that you want to get to it better, and in order to do that it would be helpful for it to present its information to you less powerfully. Let it know that if it floods you, which it may have felt it had to do to get your attention, then you can’t see it. Make sure it knows that this is not a rejection, but an invitation to present in a way that enables it to be seen by you and is less activating of the protectors.

Missing and Yearning

Often experienced as a gut feeling of emptiness, missing and yearning exiles just want what has been lost to come back. Often young parts (6 and under) don’t comprehend the permanence of loss and will just want the person/thing back; repeatedly asking why they can’t have them/it back. These parts are often evoked by parental loss as parts of the system from different ages miss the parent. Although hearing the distress of this part can be activating of caregiver parts that want to soothe its distress, this part is best served by attending to it, acknowledging what a hard spot it is in, and gently enquiring of it how it has come about that it is all alone there in its unhappiness.
As with all exiles, when it knows it has your attention and you hold sufficient Self energy to allow it to tell you its story without moving to “fix” or change it (and thereby implicitly give the message that you consider there to be something wrong with the part as it is) it will be able to let you know more about the burdens it is carrying, and when fully witnessed can release its distress.

Protest (anger)

“I don’t want this to be true!” If only things could be the way they were before the loss  occurred; it seems so unfair that this has happened. Poet Dylan Thomas believed his dying father should, “Rage, rage against the dying of the light” and it is important to validate the protesting parts. Protesting parts may be more difficult to access for women socialized into “good girl” anger-denying roles (similarly sad parts may activate more protector parts for men). The anger these parts hold, particularly if directed towards the deceased (“I’m so mad at you for leaving me!”) may be deemed unacceptable by protector parts and displaced It is helpful to normalise the response of these parts to help people “join the dots” from their angry behaviour to the protesting part. Very commonly after the death of an animal companion mourners will attempt to replace the animal (and thereby avoid the grief) too soon. As a result the new animal will often exhibit “beahavioural problems” as it has become the repository for a lot of the resentment that it simply is not, and cannot be the beloved pet who has gone.

Anger can also be a firefighter protector and it is always helpful to ask the part if it is connected to other, vulnerable parts.

Guilt

Significant loss often invites parts that reflect on the “bad” things they said and did in the relationship. The manager protector’s voice telling us we “should” have done more, “should” have been a better spouse/friend/kid will point they way to parts experiencing guilt. If these well-intentioned managers (concerned with ensuring that you are a good and virtuous person) will allow you access to the guilty exiled part then you can discover more about its burden. Often when a guilty part is tracked in the system it will hold big feelings about something it has done as a child in relation to another. Letting it know that you get how bad it feels can provide it some relief. Because children’s guilt can be so huge in relation to the crime (“I stole my brother’s candy bar and blamed the dog”) their “confessions” can activate parts that find them sweet or silly. It is important to be vigilant and ensure that these protectors do not blend and minimise/trivialize the distress of the guilt-ridden part.

Powerlessness/despair/resignation

Parts can and do feel sad, mad and bad; yet their feelings do not alter the fact of the loss. The irreversibility of the loss, the “death permanence” so difficult for young parts to grasp conceptually is lived into for a time and the reality of the situation activates this grouping of parts. Expressed through different terms, there is a recognition from these parts that we are powerless to change our reality and that loss is certain and inevitable. This recognition can be humbling and inviting of resigned, despairing or hopeless parts. Again these parts may activate parts of the counsellor/therapist that are uncomfortable with witnessing and so attending to these uncomfortable parts internally is essential in asking them not to blend so you can continue to attend to the other’s system.

The experience and response of these parts is a normal response to significant loss.

3.b.ii. Working with the exiles

It is my experience that very few of us were supported in our grieving as children experiencing loss. In the face of parental/social discomfort and misperceptions of how children grieve, the lack of appropriate support and interventions resulted in the grief cluster being burdened with extreme feelings and beliefs that did not get to be witnessed or gently corrected at the time (“No honey, sticking pins into the doll didn’t kill your grandmother”).

My hope is that as the legitimacy of  Thanatology informs and reshapes our “death-denying” culture things are changing. But my guess is that people over 25 are pretty much guaranteed to have grief-related exiles.

I think it is important to make a distinction here between the roles of the parts informing the grief cluster and burdened exiles. I believe that there are parts in the system that have the “job” of responding to the human condition of finitude and attaching and losing. When we experience a loss we will notice our sad, protesting, missing, guilty and resigned parts becoming activated. By attending to them as and when they arise we are able to go about our lives and move through our grief work without becoming overwhelmed, stuck or incapacitated. However, because many of these parts are burdened from earlier loss experiences, we need to help them to release the burdens that interfere with their ability to help us. This is why they will ride the wave of disruption flowing through the system after a significant loss in order to get out attention so the system can move towards healthier functioning.

4.         Be alert to the special considerations of complicated grief

Complicated or complex grief can result from losses where the death is sudden and therefore unexpected, traumatic (involving suicide, homicide or mutilation), involves extreme or prolonged suffering and distress or occurs “out of order” (as in the death of a child). Disenfranchised grief resulting from a loss that is not socially supported or recognised may also result in a more complex response. Complex grief can also result from an ambivalent relationship (for example to an abusive parent or partner).

Complex grief activates protective managers that may not be seen in less complex grief, due to the intense affect and or isolation experienced by the exiled parts. These managers are not “unique” in their responding to complex grief however, and it is prudent to be alert to their strategies for any loss experience.

This cluster of managers tend to use one or more of the following strategies to ensure the exiles don’t “threaten” the system:

• Postponing – agreeing that there is griefwork to be done but “later”. When asked to be specific about “when” these parts become evasive or propose a future time that subsequently is not used for attending to the other parts
• Displacing – as mentioned earlier with regard to anger, the emotional responses connected to parts grieving the loss are displaced onto other targets; being sad about a movie, angry about poor service in a restaurant etc.
• Replacing – reinvesting too quickly after a significant loss, often a strategy in reproductive loss to ameliorate the disenfranchisement
• Minimising – cognitively diluting the experience of parts with big feelings by framing the relationship as one that “wasn’t really that close”
• Avoiding – not going to the gravesite or talking about the loss. Removing pictures and not going to places that will evoke memories of the deceased and activate the exiled parts
• Somaticising – bringing physical distress into the system (migraines, gastrointestinal distress, sleep disturbances) to distract from or channel the emotional responses of exiled parts
• Shaming – particularly present in disenfranchised grief, shaming protectors will reinforce the social belief about the loss being one that the person is not  “entitled” to grieve. Miscarriage, loss of a child who is a rapist, death of a spouse to AIDS; these are examples of losses that may carry a stigma or be trivialized by the broader community

5.         Be aware of polarizations.  No relationship is without its polarized parts and especially so when the relationship has been abusive in some way. Therapist/counsellor parts that may wish to support the part that is glad of the death because it means the end of being hurt; and in so doing may inadvertently silence or re-exile a polarized part that misses the deceased and wants him/her back. What are typically defined as “ambivalent relationships” can lead to complex grief. But attending to the natural (if at times extreme) polarizations within the system can facilitate the more complex responses being validated.

6.         Share the above information with clients. Psychoeducational interventions have the effect of normalising and validating the experiences of the parts and may facilitate protector parts relaxing sufficiently to allow exiles to be recognised. Be sure that you are not determining the client’s experience, merely floating what you know by their system to see if it has any resonance. This is particularly important to bear in mind with compliant clients, or clients’ seeking a way to comprehend what is happening to them. Whilst it can be extremely helpful to articulate the terrain of grief, it is important for the counsellor/therapist to attend to their own parts that might have an agenda about how the client moves through the mourning process. Otherwise compliant parts might “produce” according to the expectations of the counsellor/therapist’s parts and this may inhibit rather than facilitate the process.

7.         Bear in mind that no two personality systems are alike and there are many individual factors that may contribute to the grief journey. Whilst attaching and losing are universal experiences and every individual has parts that respond to loss, the unfolding of those parts is always unique.

8.         Firefighters. Inform the client that as they become more aware of exiled parts they can expect increased firefighter activity. I have not focused at all on firefighters in this article because firefighter activity (intended to distract from the activated exile) does not seem to be unique to coping with loss. So the firefighter protectors may be expected to do what they always do in light of activated exiled parts related to loss.
That being said, the firefighter activity may increase (drinking, drugging, raging, TV watching, food bingeing, sex bingeing, overworking etc.) as ways of coping with increasingly activated exiles. It is also possible for new firefighter activity to emerge at this time. For example suicidal ideation is common after the death of a child and may be a firefighter (or manager) protector’s solution to the pain of the other parts. Firefighter activities formerly prohibited by manager parts may now experience greater support within the system and alcohol use or sex bingeing may become activities of choice; leading to an increased sense of “not knowing who I am” in the swirl of systemic disruption occasioned by the loss event. When the system is primarily firefighter driven prior to the presenting loss event, the firefighter activity may be chronic in response to one or more significant childhood loss.

9.         Transpersonal phenomena. Traumatic loss, may be defined as a loss or losses that are so intense that they profoundly overwhelm the resources of the bereaved (for example being witness to the murder of a loved one). As in other trauma, particularly when experienced at a young age, these incidences can magnetize beings or entities that are not inherent to the personality system, but can enter in from the astral. Clients often report that these entities don’t “feel” like a part and a helpful assessment tool is to ask the part/critter if it is a part of the system. It will say no. Generally speaking they have a limited presentation (perhaps repeating one phrase over and over such as “It’s your fault”, “You are evil” or somesuch) and when asked do not have the full presence and history in the system that a part does. They may also intrude in individuals with a propensity for psi phenomena (thought to occur in about 15% of the population) that have not experienced traumatic loss.

These “critters” (as Dick Schwartz refers to them) need to be expelled from the system. It is possible to bring Self energy to them, let them know that this is not their home, and invite them to leave and enter the light to continue on their journey to their true home. If a critter refuses to leave then it must be clearly and firmly directed to do so. Sometimes there may be parts of the system attached to the critter or worried about its absence so it is important to reassure those parts that the system will be fine without it and with Self in the lead.
Once the critter has left the parts that inadvertently magnetized its presence can be attended to.

To sum up, the IFS model offers much to the bereaved individual. Traditional work in the field of Thanatology can and does recognise the affective states (parts with big feelings) and what are often termed mechanisms of avoidance (the protective system). What IFS offers is an understanding of the relationship between the two, an appreciation of how Self energy is available to all clients for healing burdened parts in the grief cluster, and how to therefore facilitate a return to equilibrium within the system more efficiently and effectively than using traditional methods entrenched in the monolithic model of the personality. In addition the IFS model is able to help individuals experiencing unwelcome intrusions from the transpersonal realms – experiences generally viewed as pathological in traditional therapies.
The compassionate unburdening of grieving parts and the establishment of a Self-led relationship with the grief cluster and the restoration cluster serves to facilitate confidence that the inevitable future losses need not be threatening to the system. As the grief/restoration related parts learn to trust that Self energy can lead the system there may be less concern about the inevitable future losses, and perhaps a greater readiness to attach.

Empathic awareness is highly valued and draws on our empathic parts. These parts are essential for our early survival and may correspond to the mirror neurons in the brain. For an enlightening presentation on the function of mirror neurons please watch this brief (10 minute) video by Jeremy Rifkin, for a text article on empathy I recommend this one on mirrored emotion by Jean Decety, University of Chicago. If indeed our primary drive is to belong then empathic responses facilitate that belonging. By 2 1/2 we are capable of what he calls “mature empathy”; the ability to recognise that I feel as someone else does. I suspect that the empathic parts are fully developed by about 7 years old, after the massive cognitive spurt that signals our development beyond the more egocentric stages of infancy and childhood.

Empathic parts help us to make friends, manage our parents, engage in social interaction, cry at movies and connect with others in meaningful ways. When these parts are impaired in some way, such as occurs with individuals with a diagnosis of Asperger’s syndrome, social connectivity becomes more difficult to achieve.

So from an evolutionary perspective our empathic parts are extraordinarily helpful. And indeed if we were still living in the social groupings of maybe ten generations ago or so, our empathic parts would be very useful in responding to the rare crisis event that might befall a family member or the clan or tribe. Back then if a child died in an accident then probably all those connected to the grieving family would offer some way to help. Under these circumstances our empathic parts can step into their own and mobilise the rest of the system to help.

But today most of us are a long way from living under such circumstances. Just as centralise our food shopping experience, so too do we compartmentalise our caring. “Trauma? Abuse? Well we’d prefer that you don’t talk about it but if you go to the counsellor then I’m sure they can help you.” Instead of a small community of people rallying support for an individual or family in deep distress, the counsellor or therapist, or more accurately the empathic parts of the counsellor or therapist, are exposed to stories of sometimes unimaginable pain and suffering, day after day after day. This barrage of human misery and horror can overwhelm the empathic part and this results in the familiar conditions of burnout and compassion fatigue which I would suggest is more accurately termed “empathic part overload”.

There are other concerns about the over utilization of empathic parts besides overwhelm. As a counsellor listens to stories of abuse and neglect they may find parts of their own system triggered and then their own protective parts might take the lead. Empathic parts are closely connected to “fix it” parts. These well-intentioned “fix it” parts may project out the response to “fix” the distressed part of the counsellor by offering advice based on their empathic part’s responses. The advice provided by the counsellor/therapist then supports the belief held by a part of the client that they can’t find their own solutions but need to rely on someone else and so the “fixing” paradoxically reinforces a belief in helplessness.

Thankfully there is a solution to the problem of empathic overwhelm. When we can acknowledge our empathic parts and thank them for the amazing work they do then they may be willing to stand down, or perhaps job-share with us. As we ask them to do this they will probably have concerns about the other person not being sufficiently understood, helped or cared for (after all, these empathic parts have been doing their work, and doing it well, for a very long time). Assuring them that we hear their concerns and asking them to partner with us as we bring our compassion to the other may invite them to recognise that they, and their “fix it” allies can perhaps take a break.

As I scour the net I see many definitions of compassion and compassionate witnessing so let me be clear on how I am using it.

The stance of the compassionate witness says: “I see, feel and hear you. I will not abandon this connection with you. I will not seek to change, nor deny your truth. In your experience of the unbearable you will be connected to me and through me.”

Compassion is boundless because it is not bounded within the personality system. Compassion cannot be overwhelmed nor become ‘fatigued”. Compassion is a limitless resource. And the way compassion heals is by manifesting the willingness to stay connected. no matter what horror is being presented. When a counsellor/therapist/human being manifests compassion in this way in the light of another’s suffering they invite the other to mobilise their own compassion and bring it to their own suffering parts so that they get heard and may be healed (unburdened). Empathic parts may point the way to the connection, fixers can stand aside, and compassionate connection then facilitates the shift that brings the healing. Lorne Ladner, author of The Lost Art of Compassion: Discovering the Practice of Happiness in the Meeting of Buddhism and Psychology” offers this understand of compassion from her essay:Positive Psychology and the Buddhist Path of Compassion

“the expression of simple human compassion is healing in and of itself. By developing deep, powerful feelings of compassionate connection with others… we can learn to live meaningful and joyful lives. Only such feelings can help us to learn experientially how to… give of ourselves without becoming exhausted or burnt out-such feelings of joyful compassion teach us how taking care of others is actually a supreme method for taking care of ourselves. “

From a psychodynamic viewpoint I am curious about the discomfort. Sure there is the “confrontation” with the new for which non-trans folk may feel ill-prepared; but given that currently in the US “the murder rate of transgender persons is 17 times the national average; the highest rate of any minority group” (click herefor source) I wonder what else might be going on here.

The phenomenon of reaction formation is quite well-known; and although its original meaning is in terms of drives and desires I believe it can be of value when applied to a multiplicity model. If we look at homophobia as being about a protective (firefighter) response to the (unacceptable) same-sex attracted part or parts of the system then we can begin to understand the interior roots of oppression.

Within our institutions there is an embedded discourse of power that deems “other” to be less than. These historic edifices assume as “normal” (and therefore better) the condition of being male, white, able-bodied, heterosexual etc. because this reflects the reality of the people who instigated them. Given that we grow up and our parts become “institutionalised” with the system of our family of origin, it is no wonder that our parts seeking to define us as “good people” would seek to reject, or view as less than, any parts not supporting the approved norm.

So our same-sex attracted parts, in the societal context of heterosexism, may be exiled by our protective system so as to not experience shame. To the degree that these parts make up our sexual and affection-ally desiring matrix this will cause more or less internal discord (i.e. if they constitute 80% of sexually attracted parts then there will be a significant internal push for those parts to be expressed; if only 10% then not so much). The other factor contributing to internal agitation will be the degree to which the protectors experience same sex desiring parts to be a threat – and may be related to the beliefs internalised within the family of origin and peer contexts. if teenagers consider it “cool to be bisexual” then this will create a climate within which the protectors may be able to relax somewhat and allow exiled desire to be known.

Sexual Orientation as a Normally Distributed Human Variable

It makes sense to me that sexual orientation is probably normally distributed within the population as supported by the work of Kinsey. In terms of our parts we may have only same-sex oriented parts (about 10% of people), only other-sex oriented parts (10%) and all the mixes in between (80:20; 70:30 etc).

I suspect that gender-identified parts occur with the same variability. So maybe 10% of biological men/women (excluding intersex) will have exclusively sex-gender congruent parts; 10% opposite and the rest in between. But the prevailing monolithic view of the personality and the bifurcation of gender insists that we must be “one or the other”. When women encounter their male parts it may activate protectors that insist on gender congruence within the system. When the female parts of men become activated they may elicit similar protective responses – but additionally fueled by the misogyny inherent in a patriarchal culture. Both women and men may also have protectors seeking to exile other-gendered parts because of the confluence of sexual orientation and gender (i.e. if I’m a man with a girl part does that make me gay?”)

The very existence of trans individuals will therefore likely activate the girl/women parts inside a man’s system and as they seek to enter consciousness the fire-fighter’s rage response may be responsible for the brutality of transphobic murders. To a lesser degree the “I’m just uncomfortable around him/her” response is suggestive of the same reaction formation dynamic.

Monogenderism is the term I am using to refer to the insistence that we only have one gender and like other forms of oppression this view regards that circumstance as normal and therefore preferable. I see it as a tragic limitation on both our self-awareness as our wonderfully diverse gender-variant parts are exiled, and a source of unnecessary suffering. The understanding of the gender variability within the personality system also supports the lived experience of many trans people who do not “fully transition to the other side” (sic) but recognise the space that feels comfortable for their gender expression (I suspect an expression that represents a compromise between the parts).

I want to applaud the courage of all members of the trangendered community for their refusal to be exiled. It is their courage to live authentically that has inspired me to write and think about the internal processes that may be accounting for the conditions that result in so much horror.

I am very interested in and welcome responses to this post.