Self-Esteem

Low Self-Esteem - What it is and How it is Maintained

Low self-esteem is a pervasive belief about not being of value to oneself or others. It is often coupled with depression and/or anxiety. People suffering from low self-esteem do not like themselves and believe they should be better.

Low self-esteem is maintained through a variety of psychological mechanisms that serve to re-create the belief about worthlessness.

1. One mechanism is self-talk that is hyper-critical. “Why did you have to say that?” “You shouldn’t have done that,” “People will think you’re an idiot if you say/do that,” these are the sort of messages that run through a person’s head on a regular basis. Nor is this self-criticism limited to behaviours: “You’re fat/ugly/stupid…” criticisms about appearance and ability can also feel like a constant tape loop.

2. Another mechanism is an apparent inability to take in praise or love. Whenever a compliment or appreciation is offered to a person with low self-esteem it is either denied or distorted. The person will believe whoever offered the appreciation is lying, that there is something wrong with them, or they are saying it to disguise a hidden agenda about using the person (“They’re only saying that because they want…”) Paradoxically, people with chronic low self-esteem are people-pleasers - constantly seeking approval and praise from others which they are unable to take in, thus creating a greater need and escalating the cycle.

3. Yet another way low self-esteem is perpetuated is to talk in a self-deprecating way about oneself. “Well anyone could have done that…” “It really wasn’t a big deal…” “Yeah, it was a 90 but it should have been a 95…” This style of putting oneself down occurs in dialogue between people and internally, it often corresponds to perfectionism.

4. In relationships a person with low self-esteem feels grateful that their partner is willing to be with them and sometimes cannot believe that they stay with them. They may be willing to tolerate abuse at the hands of their partner (verbal, physical, emotional, sexual) believing that they are not worth anything more.

5. Language that minimises achievements and the frequent use of qualifiers (“I feel a bit better…” “I was quite good…” “I was almost proud of myself...”) serves to keep the presentation of self small.

6. Beliefs about worthlessness may be reinforced by procrastination or self-sabotage.

Transforming Low Self-Esteem

Beliefs about the self are learned and like anything learned can be unlearned. Infants do not begin life feeling unworthy… if anything they experience entitlement. In order to begin the unlearning it is necessary to consider how these beliefs are of value - typically they support the self-concept and are comfortable in their familiarity.

Having established the value of holding on to these beliefs, what is the perceived cost of change? What is the worry about letting them go?

If a client is willing to engage in the work to transform these beliefs into ones that serve her or himself better, we will together embark on an exploration of where and how these beliefs were learned. In this exploration a new possibility emerges: that of not internalising the negative messages.

Simultaneously I will monitor and encourage the client to monitor the various behaviours that occur in the session that support low self-esteem. In the crucible of the therapeutic session alternative behaviours will be encouraged to see how they “fit,” and if they might be adopted in the various areas of the client’s personal and professional life.

It has been said that our greatest fear is not that we don’t measure up, but that we are powerful beyond measure (see below) Low self-esteem is a belief reinforced in specific ways that can, over time, be transformed into a belief that more accurately reflects the beauty and wonder of the human soul.

Our Greatest Fear, by Marianne Williamson

It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other
people won't feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of
God that is within us.

It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people
permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others.

-Marianne Williamson

[Quoted by Nelson Mandela in a speech in 1994 and often attributed to him. The source is Return to Love by Marianne Williamson, Harper Collins, 1992. -Peter McLaughlin]