Grief and Loss

Attachment and Loss

"Overwhelmed" and "devastated" are the words most commonly used to describe the experience of losing a loved one. The fact of the death makes no sense and can leave the survivor swimming in a sea of confusion and pain with uncontrollable emotional outbursts as the horror of the reality sinks in. Feeling inconsolable and that "I will never recover from this", the survivor's social networks may also be insufficient at this time - with friends and family also mourning, or being uncomfortable with the bereaved and offering meaningless platitudes which, though well-intentioned, can make the survivor even angrier.

Loss work is painful and difficult, and often resented by the individual that must undertake this necessary journey. Why is it necessary to do this work? What purpose does it serve?

Attaching to others is a primary human process, it is through attachments that we make meaning in the world and have the opportunity to experience joy. Attaching to and loving another is a process that involves vulnerability. The more of my true self I share with another, including my doubts, insecurities and idiosyncrasies, and the more accepted and cherished I am, the greater my attachment. Loss work, then, can be viewed as the counterpart to attachment, and part of the broader life cycle of attaching and losing. The pain inherent in loss work may be viewed as the corollary of the joy experienced in an attachment that is chosen. Loss work also entails a felt sense of vulnerability; one that is isolating and unwanted.

To undertake loss work is to honour the attachment, fully experience its meaning, explore the meaning of the absence of that attachment in mourning; and move on as a wiser, stronger, more self-aware and integrated person; ready to form attachments anew with the knowledge and understanding of both the joy of attaching, and the sorrow of losing. Attachments are not always formed by willing choices. Attachment to, for example, an abusive parent or partner also needs to be mourned.

MOURNING: "the display of grief through the sharing and expression of a person's thoughts, behaviours and feelings due to the loss". Mourning guides people to undo their connection with what they have lost. Mourners and those who seek to assist them often fail to recognize that there is also a loss of potential that goes along with an actual loss; potential for what might have been, hopes, dreams and possibilities. Mourning as public expression allows for the therapist to bear witness to the experience and facilitates the moving toward resolution of grief. While the experience of grief can feel totally overwhelming, there a certain tasks, outlined below, that form the basis of grief work. It is the job of the therapist to help guide you through these tasks, respecting that this journey occurs according to your own time frame. Myths that grief should be over in a certain amount of time deny the individuality of the response to devastating loss, and, like other 'shoulds', provide a way to berate yourself simply for how you are feeling; a judgment which is neither helpful nor necessary.

Tasks of Mourning with Negation of those Tasks (William Worden):

1. To Accept Reality of the Loss
   • The mourner must talk about the death, body, funeral.
   • Negation is not believing, through prolonged denial, either the facts, the significance, or the irreversibility of the loss
2. To Experience the Pain of Grief
   • It is impossible to lose someone you are attached to without feeling some pain. The survivor will have to deal with the pain at the time of the loss, or will confront it many years later; but s/he will have to deal with it! Emotional acceptance occurs when the survivor no longer needs to avoid reminders of the loss for fear of experiencing intense pain or remorse.
   • Negation is not to feel resulting in increased physical or psychological problems
3. To Adjust to an Environment in Which the Deceased is Missing
   • Survivors are not usually aware of all the roles played by the deceased until well after the loss occurs. This is the task where 'secondary losses' need to be identified and mourned. A secondary loss may be defined as "a physical or psychosocial loss that coincides with or develops as a consequence of the initial loss." Examples would include the role of the 'cook' in a relationship, which may have belonged to the deceased; or the identity of a mother once a child has died. Each of these secondary losses initiates its own grief and mourning reactions, "every physical loss will engender psychosocial loss".
   • Negation of this task results in not adapting to the loss and promoting the mourner's own helplessness
4. To Withdraw Emotional Energy and Reinvest in Another Relationship
   • Mourners sometimes believe they are dishonouring the dead if they withdraw emotional attachment. They may fear another loss if they reinvest. When all the feelings, thoughts, memories, and expectations that bound the mourner to the deceased are gradually worked through by being revived, reviewed, felt, and lessened this task may be considered complete.
   • Negation: people may get stuck at this point and later realize that, in some way, their life stopped at the moment the loss occurred
   To complete the tasks it is necessary to:
   • Vent feelings, talk about the relationship and feelings of loss
   • Validate all aspects of the relationship, including normal ambiguities
   • Resolve any guilt that arises
   • Internalise the memory while reinvesting feelings
     
     
     For more on Understanding Loss click here (adobe PDF)